I need a Fisher-Price Fourth Amendment Cell Phone
The CBP Website is now propaganda, don't fall for it.
Disclaimer: This essay is political commentary, not legal advice. I’m not telling you how to handle a specific border crossing or how to evade law enforcement. I’m pointing out how the system actually operates, how agencies misrepresent their authority, and why the Constitution’s guardrails exist. If you want legal counsel, hire a lawyer. If you want satire about CBP’s Orwellian fantasies, that’s what this piece is.
This isn’t a complete guide. It’s a guidelet, shall we say. I’ve been researching this issue for a while, and saw something this morning that genuinely made me go bonkers.
I once had an idea for an app called “Fourth Amendment.” Push a button, and your phone goes full Chernobyl: data vaporized, accounts blitzed, the whole thing melted into digital slag. Not a reset. A funeral.
At the border, Officer “Trump putz” asks to see your phone? Bleep. Meltdown. Stopped by security somewhere? Bleep. Meltdown. Cops after you? Bleep. Meltdown.1
Because here’s the truth: your phone is the biggest Fifth Amendment violator in your pocket. Hand it to law enforcement, and you’ve practically signed a confession. They don’t need warrants, subpoenas, or a Perry Mason cross-exam.
They just need your unlock code. (BTW - if that’s “your face” - our vaulted guardians of screwing us over have ruled that your face is not subject to the Fourth Amendment).2